I want to start this post off by clarifying something. My blog, this place, is somewhere I go when I feel moved to write. And not just any kind of writing, but the sort of writing that requires an audience that is something I need to express. I don’t write here about my daily life often, I don’t feel moved to. Only when something extraordinary happens, or I am frustrated, to I feel the need to write here.
So, if you read on, keep it in mind. I’m coming here to complain, today. Most things are just fine, even great. But today I need to get something off my chest.
Last year I was really concerned with everyone liking me. I had to be– in Zhanatac I didn’t have family or friends. I was nice, inconvenienced myself and generally bent over backward only to get spit in the face. All PCVs currently serving in Kazakhstan know what I’m talking about. It’s an experience and an experiment in finding balance that lasts a good portion of your first year.
When you find that balance (and eventually you will, I promise PCTs), things are great. And then comes your second year. And suddenly I am yelling at students, losing my patience at lightning speed, and generally being a bitch. My fuse is short, and I know it. My students know it.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Why can’t I hit that easy stride from last year? Where’s the balance?
Please, please don’t tell me I’m going to do last year in reverse.
Perhaps you’re just really comfortable in Zhanatac now and there is something in your mind that tells you that you don’t have to put on your smiley face all the time anymore. Perhaps you’re in a sense ready to go back home(to the States). Perhaps you just don’t feel inspired on some days.
Whatever the case, it’s probably just a phase. And a mindset. I know I always used to feel TERRIBLE when I would lose my patience with my preschool children (pre K-Stan, I was a preschool teacher)…I knew all along though, that it was never them, it was me, and that I had to figure out what was going on in my head so I didn’t take it out on them…they didn’t deserve it. Some of the things I came up with was that I felt pressured to impart a certain amount of knowledge on them, and if they didn’t soak it up like the sponges they’re “supposed” to be, I would feel like I was failing my job, I would take it personally, and I would get upset at them because if they didn’t learn then I was a bad teacher. Once I would realize WHY I was stressed out at work – so stressed that I lost my usual happy and loving demeanor around the kids – I was able to fix the problem and relax. It will probably just take some time hanging out with your new puppy, relaxing, and looking within for the answer. You’ll find it. The fact that you’re not comfortable with the way you’ve been acting around your kids shows the depth of your character and shows that you know something is not right. Many people can’t even see that.
I hope this helps, and good luck!!
Peace, Julie